My Reflection

I don't look in the mirror often. This is probably one of the reasons why I haven't seen what's been happening to me, to my body, to my being.

sexy me (2004)

In my mind, I see myself they way I looked when I was in my early 20s - thin, attractive, moderately happy young woman on the road to success. But then, I'll catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror or I'll try on an outfit that doesn't quite fit the way it should, and I'll realize what I've become - an overweight, still pretty-faced but not-so-happy 30 year old woman who is stuck in a rut. Even after having a face to face encounter with my reflection, my mind still lingers on the image of myself from about a decade ago.

"Reflections of/the way life used to be..."
I'd often think that I'd be happy if I just do the things I used to do, be the person I used to be. I even thought that if I changed my name back to my maiden name, I'd somehow transform into my former self. But the fact of the matter is, I'm not the same person I was 10 years ago. I'm a long way from home, and I've been through a lot. In the short time span of four years, I experienced marriage, motherhood, and divorce. I changed career paths and I am still trying to figure out where I'm going. And I've gained a tremendous amount of weight. I'm just in a different place right now.
I suppose it's kind of insane to think I could even go back to the old me. So, I am ready to move on. I think I am finally ready to let go of that old image and look at myself and who I really am today.

Fuzzy picture of me
(July 2011)

"I'm starting with the man in the mirror/I'm asking him to change his ways..."
My biggest concern right now is my health. I went to the doctor last month and weighed in at 167lbs. I'd mysteriously gained about 15 lbs over the summer, making me borderline obese (according to the chart in the doctor's office). I never thought I'd ever weight this much in my entire life. I was unhappy about my weight before adding on the extra padding, so now I'm downright depressed about how I look.
But weight is only part of it. Since turning 30 in March, my body just doesn't feel the same anymore. In a random, freak accident, I partially tore the ACL in my right knee, and walking hasn't been the same since then. My knees hurt, my legs hurt, and my feet hurt all the time. I am always tired, even after taking my narcolepsy medication. And I have chest pain and circulation problems, most likely due to calcification on my arteries and not flossing like I should (poor dental hygiene can lead to cardiovascular problems). My body is a mess and it is screaming for a makeover! But it's not going to do it on it's own. If I am going to make myself a better, healthier, thinner person, I have to take a look at myself and make a change!
I recently started reading the amazing book "Crazy Sexy Diet" by Kris Carr, a woman who was diagnosed with a rare cancer when she was 31. Kris decided to clean up her lifestyle - her eating and exercise habits and her state of mind - and now she's healthier than she's ever been and her cancer is in control. So far, this book has been an inspiration to me, as it has taught me how people should really be taking care of their bodies. (I'll definitely be blogging about this book in future posts.) It has inspired me to finally take the steps to make a change in my lifestyle and become a healthy version of me.

"Instead of looking to the past, I put myself ahead twenty years and try to look at what I need to do now in order to get there then." - Diana Ross

me in 20 years?
i sure hope so!

I came across this quote today, and these are definitely the words of inspiration I needed to get up and get moving. I've focused on the past too much, and I'm standing still in the present, so why not look forward to the future? In twenty years, I'd love to look like First Lady Obama, but that's quite ambitious for me to think about right now. Also, twenty years is a long time from now, and I'd like to focus on short-term, more achievable goals. So, in the meantime, I'll imagine what I want to look like in one year and chart the steps to achieving that goal. I also plan to do the same thing for my career, as I'm in a transition point right now. I've been at my job for 5 years now which seems like a good point to move up or move on. I love my company and my job, but at the same time, I feel as though I'm just treading water and not going anywhere. I need goals...I need to put myself ahead maybe 5 or 10 years, think about what type of position I want to have then, and set some goals toward landing that dream job.

So, looks like I'll have to start looking in the mirror more often, and maybe even into a few crystal balls. I hope you enjoy reading about my journey back to ALIVE.

By the way, welcome to my new blog! :)

- M